Sunday, March 28, 2010

First App for Opad all about You

None Labs has released its first 'app' for the Opad.

Rather than adopt the more traditional 'me, me, me' approach, the boffins at None Labs were told to develop an app which actively disadvantages the user and benefits others instead.

The result?
You* (not me, me, me) the World's first truly altruistic, alternative therapy initiative.

Download You* (not me, me, me) and each time you click its icon a random amount will be debited from your bank account and credited to one of the charities specially set up by Dr. None.

That's right, you can actually enrich the lives of others without even thinking of them or, heaven forbid, have to witness their suffering.

You* (not me, me, me) today.
* copyright None Laboratories

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

World's Biggest Computer

The boffins at None Labs have done the calculations and found that the Opad is in fact the world's largest computer. At 8 Zottabytes it has a capacity of almost 3 million times that of all the information stored worldwide in 2000.

Another first for None.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Opad scares off ipad

The amazing success of the Opad has apparently frightened the boffins at Apple into postponing the launch of their rival ipad till late April.

"Based as it is on old-fashioned microchip technology, the ipad is obviously seeking to avoid a head to head confrontation with the new age technology of the Opad," said Dr. O. None, inventor of the Opad.

"By the time they launch there may be no-one to buy them who doesn't already have an Opad," he added wryly.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Merger on the cards

Dr. None, as President of the APMS, has written to the President of the Australian Homoeopathic Association and suggested a merger of the two organisations. This follows the findings of a UK committee of MPs which found that Homoeopathic remedies are in fact placebos and that Homoeopaths are in fact deceiving their patients every time they dispense a remedy.

Since the two organisations are obviously dispensing the same product and have the same aims, the treatment of the sick and the alleviation of suffering, he has proposed a new combined APHMS which could continue to dispense placebo remedies but would still have the mystique of Homoeopathy associated with it as a bonus.

"Imagine remedies with the efficacy of placebos and the old world magic of homoeopathy. What an unbelievably powerful combination in the marketplace," he said when asked about how the public might see a merged APMS and AHA.

Dr. None is still to hear back from the AHA but is confident that it will be keen on some form of combined body in order to boost its flagging credibility with the public.

"Perhaps they'd rather call the new organisation the AHPMS, AHPMA or AHPA. I could live with that," he said.

"Our motto, Credulatum Omnia, is not negotiable though," he added. "In any event it would seem entirely appropriate to the new, merged organisation."

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Give illness the finger

Ever had the following conversation?

"I feel crook"

"What's wrong with you, where does it hurt?"

"I don't know, I just can't put my finger on it"

Well we've come up with the answer to just that problem. Just as the Homeopathic preparation Oscillococcinum is diluted, fermented duck liver and heart tissue, None Labs has developed Digitum.

What's Digitum?

To make one squillion gallons of Digitum-

  • first take two human fingers, one from a left hand and one from a right (to maintain digital equilibrium of course- silly question) then add 1 litre of water and allow to ferment from one blue moon to the next.

  • Strain off the decayed bits then dilute the vile liquid and decant repeatedly 500 times and hey presto- Digitum 500T is the result.

  • Apply liberally whenever that 'just can't put a finger on it' feeling overcomes you.

To be marketed under the catchy slogan 'Digitum is real Handy when you just can't put a Finger on what's wrong', we are confident that it will quickly attain a reputation at least equal to Oscillococcinum for reliability and effectiveness.

Prof. Cox comments that we are definitely pointing in the right direction and gives it the big thumbs up.