Saturday, December 4, 2010
In order to build bridges with other therapies, the APMS recently asked None Labs to come up with some placebo medications which incorporate aspects of other therapies and within a remarkably short time they came up with PlaceboHomeoAromeotherapy, aroma therapy preparations that are so dilute that all traces of the often irritating essential oils are undetectable, even by extensive chemical analysis.
That's right, these preparations are even stonger in their effect than regular aromatherapy preparations due to the homeopathic dilution process, but will not irritate sensitive noses or set off allergic reactions.
More Combo Therapies are being worked on as this goes to press.
"We need a budget version of all our products," was his simple instruction to the boffins.
In quick time they came up with None Labs HOME BRAND, a range of remedies that are chemically identical to their brothers and sisters sold under the Placebo Power label.
Dr None explained, "Extensive testing has shown that, like all homeopathic preparations, the multiple dilution process results in a product that is pure water. We've just cut out the time consuming dilution stage to simplify the manufacturing process for our Home Brand range. I can guarantee consumers that they are chemically indistinguishable from any other homeopathic product".
Now everyone can afford to share the miraculous benefits of None Laboratories products.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Ever used the expression, when searching for the answer to a question, "the answer is on the tip of my tongue"?
Well None Labs has bottled it- literally. Memory Boost is made in exactly the same way as Digitum and the well known homeopathic preparation Occillococcinum, the only difference being that instead of fingers and duck livers, Memory Boost is made with real human tongues, or just the tips to be precise.
First the tongue tips are fermented for a month in a little water until they become an amorphous goo which is then strained and diluted using classic homeopathic techniques to produce Memory Boost. Nothing else is added, just water and pure tongue tips. That's right Memory Boost is preservative free.
It looks like water, tastes like water but when the answer is "on the tip of my tongue" a swig of Memory Boost may just make the difference.
Listen to what Jenny from Malabar says about Memory Boost," Last week I couldn't remember my PIN number and needed cash in a hurry. I took a swig of Memory Boost and the numbers 1,2,3,4 and then 8 flashed before my eyes. In seconds I had the cash and it all went on Americain (#8) in the Cup. We are now going on a tropical holiday thanks to Memory Boost. Thank you Dr. None".
Sunday, April 4, 2010
So in response we've doubled the price and added some fantastic colours to our range. Next time you order a remedy it is likely to be either Ridiculous Red, Gullible Green, unBelievable Blue or Youvegottobejoking Yellow and be outrageously expensive. Remember you can't put a price on good health.
Placebo Power and None Laboratories- working towards better health care for you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Rather than adopt the more traditional 'me, me, me' approach, the boffins at None Labs were told to develop an app which actively disadvantages the user and benefits others instead.
The result? You* (not me, me, me) the World's first truly altruistic, alternative therapy initiative.
Download You* (not me, me, me) and each time you click its icon a random amount will be debited from your bank account and credited to one of the charities specially set up by Dr. None.
That's right, you can actually enrich the lives of others without even thinking of them or, heaven forbid, have to witness their suffering.
Get You* (not me, me, me) today.
* copyright None Laboratories
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Another first for None.
Monday, March 8, 2010
"Based as it is on old-fashioned microchip technology, the ipad is obviously seeking to avoid a head to head confrontation with the new age technology of the Opad," said Dr. O. None, inventor of the Opad.
"By the time they launch there may be no-one to buy them who doesn't already have an Opad," he added wryly.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Since the two organisations are obviously dispensing the same product and have the same aims, the treatment of the sick and the alleviation of suffering, he has proposed a new combined APHMS which could continue to dispense placebo remedies but would still have the mystique of Homoeopathy associated with it as a bonus.
"Imagine remedies with the efficacy of placebos and the old world magic of homoeopathy. What an unbelievably powerful combination in the marketplace," he said when asked about how the public might see a merged APMS and AHA.
Dr. None is still to hear back from the AHA but is confident that it will be keen on some form of combined body in order to boost its flagging credibility with the public.
"Perhaps they'd rather call the new organisation the AHPMS, AHPMA or AHPA. I could live with that," he said.
"Our motto, Credulatum Omnia, is not negotiable though," he added. "In any event it would seem entirely appropriate to the new, merged organisation."
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"I feel crook"
"What's wrong with you, where does it hurt?"
"I don't know, I just can't put my finger on it"
Well we've come up with the answer to just that problem. Just as the Homeopathic preparation Oscillococcinum is diluted, fermented duck liver and heart tissue, None Labs has developed Digitum.
To make one squillion gallons of Digitum-
- first take two human fingers, one from a left hand and one from a right (to maintain digital equilibrium of course- silly question) then add 1 litre of water and allow to ferment from one blue moon to the next.
- Strain off the decayed bits then dilute the vile liquid and decant repeatedly 500 times and hey presto- Digitum 500T is the result.
- Apply liberally whenever that 'just can't put a finger on it' feeling overcomes you.
To be marketed under the catchy slogan 'Digitum is real Handy when you just can't put a Finger on what's wrong', we are confident that it will quickly attain a reputation at least equal to Oscillococcinum for reliability and effectiveness.
Prof. Cox comments that we are definitely pointing in the right direction and gives it the big thumbs up.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Many thanks. I have received my Opad and have already experienced some of the remarkable possibilities of this piece of technology, or alternative technology as it is in fact. The capacity of the water molecules to retain information (and to somehow communicate this to other water molecules anywhere….morphic resonance I think it’s called) seems to allow human thought transference to occur, not only in real time, but through spatio-temporal loops, allowing the user to experience their own thoughts before they actually think them, or thoughts they think in one place to appear somewhere else in the world, or elsewhere. This happened to me today.
And what’s more, when I punched my star sign into the Opad the screen condensed into a misty vision of an Egyptian prince in the Middle Kingdom surrounded by slaves, beautiful women and the odd annoying jackal….it was clearly me in a past life. Amazing. I was an Egyptian prince! I’m now partnering my device on a holiday by the Nile in 1526 BC. Will let you know how it goes.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Recently appointed Chief Finance Officer of Ostores Inc, Mr Barnaby Joyce, said that while sales figures from some more remote stores in Mongolia and The Andes are still to come in, he expects the first day sales of Opads to be close to 5 million but that figure could actually be 5 billion or even 5 trillion, he isn't entirely sure.
"I will know more accurately when I get my head around the numbers and numbers in general, " he said.
Whatever the final number, the sales mean that the Opad has been an outstanding success.
Meanwhile Chairman of Ostores Inc, Dr O. None has cautioned users from using their new Opads whilst driving. It is reported that many hundreds of users have been issued with fines by highway patrol police for excitedly talking, texting, emailing or astral travelling on their Opads while driving.
Dr None cautions that apart from the financial slug of a hefty fine, astral travelling while driving can be quite dangerous.
"If there is an unexpected break in resonance between the Opad and its partner, then the user's spirit may seek to return to a position which he/she has moved on from- ie outside the vehicle," he warned.
"Until users are experienced, it is better to explore the more high-tech applications in the lounge room, rather than the car," he said.
The first group of customers has just completed the partnering session and have excitedly left the building to explore a whole new world; a world where everything is known and nothing is new- as long as you have an Opad.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Based on the ability of water molecules to absorb and retain information, the Opad is billed as a combination of a mobile phone, pocket organizer, personal computer and time machine. The company says the device promises to revolutionize the way we interact with our environment and each other.
Founder of None Laboratories, Dr. O. None says the Opad is the company’s most exciting discovery yet.
“Imagine being able to see the future unfold or relive a past-life on the screen in front of you and share that experience in real time with others. Well that’s exactly what Opad will allow you to do,” he boasts.
He explained that once an Opad owner has achieved what he terms “HomeOstasis” with his/her Opad, they are bonded for life. Opad will then automatically tune in, via the water molecules in its owner’s body, to the activities of its owner or ‘partner’, as the company likes to call its consumers.
“Imagine being able to see yourself being hit by a runaway bus as you approach a pedestrian crossing and being able to avoid that fate by stopping and waiting till the bus harmlessly passes before crossing the road,” says Dr. None.
Critics claim that Opad is “just a bottle of water with a cheap sticker on the front designed to give the appearance of a scientific device” but Dr. None rejects these criticisms as the "usual desperate rantings of a disgruntled and jealous science community".
“Unfortunately the science community has failed to move on and incorporate new-age technologies such as Homeopathy, to their considerable disadvantage,” he said.
“Their slavish devotion to the outdated notions of experimental repeatability and double-blind trials has really slowed the development of many discoveries,” he claims.
“If it works for them, it works. That’s how our customers see it,” he stated emphatically.
How much does an Opad cost? Each Opad is absolutely free but each new owner is required to sign up for an instructional seminar in order to achieve HomeOstasis before being entrusted with their new partner in life.
If the queues outside Sydney’s Ostore are any indication, then there will be no shortage of consumers willing to part with $599 to partner an Opad, starting next Monday.
Friday, January 29, 2010
It has also long been known that skin-divers do not suffer from sunburn whilst swimmers just a few metres above them need to apply regular applications of expensive, chemical-based sun creams.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The email I received promises that over the weekend you will:
- explore techniques of traditional shamanism and modern eco-shamanism
learning outcomes are claimed to include-
- learn journeying techniques
- communicate and connect with nature / nature spirits
- experience altered states of consciousness
- learn skills to help you transform your lifestyle to be more ecocentric
- access and optimise power-filled hidden aspects of self
- experience sacred rituals and ceremonies
All for only $295 too.