Give illness the finger

Ever had the following conversation?

"I feel crook"

"What's wrong with you, where does it hurt?"

"I don't know, I just can't put my finger on it"

Well we've come up with the answer to just that problem. Just as the Homeopathic preparation Oscillococcinum is diluted, fermented duck liver and heart tissue, None Labs has developed Digitum.

What's Digitum?

To make one squillion gallons of Digitum-

• first take two human fingers, one from a left hand and one from a right (to maintain digital equilibrium of course- silly question) then add 1 litre of water and allow to ferment from one blue moon to the next.


• Strain off the decayed bits then dilute the vile liquid and decant repeatedly 500 times and hey presto- Digitum 500T is the result.


• Apply liberally whenever that 'just can't put a finger on it' feeling overcomes you.
  

To be marketed under the catchy slogan 'Digitum is real Handy when you just can't put a Finger on what's wrong', we are confident that it will quickly attain a reputation at least equal to Oscillococcinum for reliability and effectiveness.

Prof. Cox comments that we are definitely pointing in the right direction and gives it the big thumbs up.

Road Test

Prof. Cox has been road-testing the Opad and reports-

Dr N,

Many thanks. I have received my Opad and have already experienced some of the remarkable possibilities of this piece of technology, or alternative technology as it is in fact. The capacity of the water molecules to retain information (and to somehow communicate this to other water molecules anywhere….morphic resonance I think it’s called) seems to allow human thought transference to occur, not only in real time, but through spatio-temporal loops, allowing the user to experience their own thoughts before they actually think them, or thoughts they think in one place to appear somewhere else in the world, or elsewhere. This happened to me today.

And what’s more, when I punched my star sign into the Opad the screen condensed into a misty vision of an Egyptian prince in the Middle Kingdom surrounded by slaves, beautiful women and the odd annoying jackal….it was clearly me in a past life. Amazing. I was an Egyptian prince! I’m now partnering my device on a holiday by the Nile in 1526 BC. Will let you know how it goes.

Dr C

Opad outsells iPod

Frantic buying at Ostores worldwide has seen the Opad outstrip iPod's first day sales record by more than 50, or perhaps even 500, to one.

Recently appointed Chief Finance Officer of Ostores Inc, Mr Barnaby Joyce, said that while sales figures from some more remote stores in Mongolia and The Andes are still to come in, he expects the first day sales of Opads to be close to 5 million but that figure could actually be 5 billion or even 5 trillion, he isn't entirely sure.

"I will know more accurately when I get my head around the numbers and numbers in general, " he said.

Whatever the final number, the sales mean that the Opad has been an outstanding success.

Meanwhile Chairman of Ostores Inc, Dr O. None has cautioned users from using their new Opads whilst driving. It is reported that many hundreds of users have been issued with fines by highway patrol police for excitedly talking, texting, emailing or astral travelling on their Opads while driving.

Dr None cautions that apart from the financial slug of a hefty fine, astral travelling while driving can be quite dangerous.

"If there is an unexpected break in resonance between the Opad and its partner, then the user's spirit may seek to return to a position which he/she has moved on from- ie outside the vehicle," he warned.

"Until users are experienced, it is better to explore the more high-tech applications in the lounge room, rather than the car," he said.

Opad launch sets new records

It's only a few hours since the Auckland Ostore opened it's doors but already the Opad is a tearaway success. Thousands of excited Kiwis crammed through the doors at 9am NZ time and swamped sales staff with orders for their personal Opad.
The first group of customers has just completed the partnering session and have excitedly left the building to explore a whole new world; a world where everything is known and nothing is new- as long as you have an Opad.

Meet your Personal Guru

Introducing the HomeOpad or Opad*, the World's first truly intuitive, interactive personal organiser, mobile phone and pocket guru.

Available Monday 15th February at all Ostores.

* to be sold in France as l'eauPad

Imagination Unlimited

Queues are already forming outside Ostores worldwide as devotees of None Laboratories’ products anxiously await next week’s launch of its latest creation, the incredible HomeOpad or Opad as the company affectionately calls it.

Based on the ability of water molecules to absorb and retain information, the Opad is billed as a combination of a mobile phone, pocket organizer, personal computer and time machine. The company says the device promises to revolutionize the way we interact with our environment and each other.

Founder of None Laboratories, Dr. O. None says the Opad is the company’s most exciting discovery yet.

“Imagine being able to see the future unfold or relive a past-life on the screen in front of you and share that experience in real time with others. Well that’s exactly what Opad will allow you to do,” he boasts.

He explained that once an Opad owner has achieved what he terms “HomeOstasis” with his/her Opad, they are bonded for life. Opad will then automatically tune in, via the water molecules in its owner’s body, to the activities of its owner or ‘partner’, as the company likes to call its consumers.

“Imagine being able to see yourself being hit by a runaway bus as you approach a pedestrian crossing and being able to avoid that fate by stopping and waiting till the bus harmlessly passes before crossing the road,” says Dr. None.

Critics claim that Opad is “just a bottle of water with a cheap sticker on the front designed to give the appearance of a scientific device” but Dr. None rejects these criticisms as the "usual desperate rantings of a disgruntled and jealous science community".

“Unfortunately the science community has failed to move on and incorporate new-age technologies such as Homeopathy, to their considerable disadvantage,” he said.

“Their slavish devotion to the outdated notions of experimental repeatability and double-blind trials has really slowed the development of many discoveries,” he claims.

“If it works for them, it works. That’s how our customers see it,” he stated emphatically.

How much does an Opad cost? Each Opad is absolutely free but each new owner is required to sign up for an instructional seminar in order to achieve HomeOstasis before being entrusted with their new partner in life.

If the queues outside Sydney’s Ostore are any indication, then there will be no shortage of consumers willing to part with $599 to partner an Opad, starting next Monday.

The Spirit of Atlantis, in a bottle.

They say that the inhabitants of the Lost City of Atlantis never experienced sunburn or life-threatening sun cancers. They say the waters above them protected them from the Sun’s harmful rays.

It has also long been known that skin-divers do not suffer from sunburn whilst swimmers just a few metres above them need to apply regular applications of expensive, chemical-based sun creams.

With these facts in mind the boffins at None Laboratories set to work to develop and manufacture the World’s first completely safe and inexpensive UV protective sunscreen.

They reasoned that if several metres of water could filter out the Sun’s UV rays then all they had to do was concentrate this effect so that a thin smear of water applied to the skin would have the same effect as many metres of ocean.

In yet another magical development they have taken a sample of water from 10 metres below the surface near to where Atlantis is believed to have been and, using classical homeopathic techniques, diluted it over and over to intensify its potency so that it is rated an incredible Factor minus 10m+.

The result is a sunscreen so powerful that a few drops applied to the body on a dampened cloth will protect from the Sun’s damaging rays for up to 24 hours. That’s right: imagine being protected all day and all night too.

To be marketed as 'TEN BELOW', we imagine it will be available in all good pharmacies soon.

Absolutely Shamtastic

GUDHARA HOLISTIC SANCTURY is conducting a 3 day course in 'ecoshamanism' from friday 26 – sunday 28 february 2010.

The email I received promises that over the weekend you will:

• explore techniques of traditional shamanism and modern eco-shamanism

understand how ancient knowledge/wisdom can be applied to modern sustainability issues

gain clarity, insight and understanding for both personal and bigger-picture problems

meet your totem animal and ancestors

raise your awareness and understanding of your role in protecting and living more harmoniously with nature

learning outcomes are claimed to include-

• learn journeying techniques
• communicate and connect with nature / nature spirits
• experience altered states of consciousness
• learn skills to help you transform your lifestyle to be more ecocentric
• access and optimise power-filled hidden aspects of self
• experience sacred rituals and ceremonies

With the World at crisis point on so many fronts what better course of action could a committed, practical environmentalist take than to spend a weekend covorting with his/her totem animal, experiencing altered states of consciousness and learning how the ancient practices of shamanism and sacred rituals helped primitive societies cope when up to 50% of their infants died in their first year of life, life expectancy was about half the present average and the technology by which you are reading this (and I received Gudhara's email) was inconceivable.
All for only $295 too.

APMS formed

Recently the Vice Cancellor of the prestigous Placebo Power Institute, Dr. O. None made representations to the Australian Traditional Medicine Society, ATMS, for the inclusion of Placebology as an accredited natural medicine.
Unfortunately this approach fell on deaf ears and the Australian Placebo Medicine Society, APMS, was born.
APMS will solely accredit Placebopaths, so that consumers can have complete faith when dealing with an accredited APMS member that all remedies dispensed are Placebo-Active*.
A logo is currently being developed and coffee mugs, T shirts, pens and paperweights should be available soon.
Drs. None, Cox and Berlecky are now proud announce that they are the foundation members of APMS.
Copyright None Laboratories 2009

Homeopathic tooth care

Placebo Power is proud to announce the launch of 'Homeotooth', a breakthrough in tooth care for growing teeth.

Homeotooth may look like water and taste like water but the secret is in the infinite dilution process that sets Homeotooth apart from other tooth care products.

Simply purchase a bottle of Homeotooth concentate and follow the instructions* printed on the bottle to make your own tooth enamel hardening preparation. One bottle will last a lifetime. Properly diluted, Homeotooth will strengthen enamel and lead to the growth of stronger, healthier teeth.

* The Homeotooth Dilution Process

• Pour all but a few drops of the contents of the bottle of Homeotooth down the sink.
• Fill with water from the tap.
• Repeat this process seven times.
• Drink liberally.
• Always leave a few drops in the bottle before refilling from the tap.

Note: guarantee voided in areas with a non-fluoridated water supply.

Four More Miracles from None

The boffins at None Laboratories have really been inspired by the success of H2zerO
They've come up with 4 new remedies that are sure to be equally popular.
All are Placebo-Active and formulated to ensure maximum Placebo effect with NO side-effects.

They are (left to right above)-
1. Dr. None's Magical Mystery Cure- effective for all mystery ailments
2. Amazing Hair Restorer- this product is guaranteed to put hairs on your head.
3. Incredible Spirit Remover- never be spooked again. DIY exorcisms in a bottle.
4. Homeopathic style Elixer of Youth- Feel young again with this remarkable product. Contains K9P

Tapping the Mind

In order to bring Placebo Power to the masses, Drs. None and Cox have launched a new product which has exactly the same active ingredient as all their other popular medications- none.

Called simply H2zerO it is a Placebo-Active alternative to bottled water and contains absolutely no substance with any therapeutic activity so that you can be assured that any benefit you feel is due to the incredible power of your own mind.

Look for H2zerO at supermarkets, service stations and cafes near you soon.

Because anything is possible.

Placebo Power Pioneer Promoted to Professor

Placebo researcher Dr. Michael Cox has been rewarded for his pioneering work at the prestigious Placebo Power Institute with a professorship by Institute Vice Chancellor Dr. O. None.

In announcing the promotion Dr. None said, " Dr. Cox's research has resulted in many discoveries in the field of Placebo medicine but perhaps none is more significant than his revelation that there is indeed life before death. His conceptualisation of genuine pre-death experiences* and the breathing technique it led to, have brought such joy and fulfillment to so many people that the World may never be the same again".

Professor Cox will now spearhead the Institute's R&D team for the forseeable future.

* patent pending

PP Launches Homepathy +

Imagine a therapy with the proven power of the Placebo plus the incredible mystery of Homeopathy.

Well, that's exactly what leading Placebo Power practitioner Dr. Michael Cox has done. Working at the prestigious Placebo Power Institute, Dr. Cox conducted a thought experiment which reasoned that-

"if miniscule quantities of a substance can bring about recovery, then taking this notion just one step further, it became abundantly clear that providing patients with remedies that contain absolutely none at all of any active substance would enhance the efficacy of these remedies by several orders of magnitude".
A peer revue by Placebo Power Institute Vice Chancellor, Dr O. None confirmed the logic of this approach.
Already many of Dr. Cox's patients are experiencing the positive effects of this new addition to the Placebo Power stable of treatments.
Dr. Cox calls this breathtaking breakthrough Homeopathy +.

The boffins at None Laboratories are busy formulating a preparation based on this startling discovery which should be available commercially soon.

Relief at Last

I heard a 'Pet Communicator' on Fiona Wyllie's ABC radio program yesterday. She helps people communicate with the spirits of departed pets so that they can complete the greiving process. I know, some people probably think she's having us on but personally I believed every word.

Anyway, I suddenly realised why I had been hearing cats and dogs howling all night. It wasn't the neighbour's pets on the loose. It was the ghosts of Scamp and Tinkers, my childhood buddies, who unfortunately perished when the model volcano I made as a school project got out of control.

When Mum and Dad rebuilt the house and cooled down a bit they bought me another puppy and kitten but they were never as cute as Scamps and Tinkers.

Anyway, last night I made up a tincture of 'nothing much'* in a generous slurp of brandy and slept like a log for the first time in years. Didn't hear a dog or cat all night.

I might market it as "Spirit Remover" because it looks like it worked. Someone, or something, drank the bowl of Spirit Remover I left out and the neighbour just rang to ask me to search for his dog and cat who seem to have gone missing.

I think I'm on to something. Maybe I should flog some to Fiona's guest.

* technical term for a active ingredient in Placebo medicine.

Singing the Swine Flu Away

Researchers at the prestigious Placebo Power Institute have released the results of their recent experiments which may indicate that practitioners of Dr. Cox and Dr. None's revolutionary new breathing/singing technique, as described in their book Experience Life Before Death in Two Minutes & Fifty Seconds, may inadvertently be innoculating themselves against Swine Flu.

Early results show that not one of the devotees of the technique has been struck down with the disease, which is on the verge of being declared a pandemic.

"It seems we may have serendipitously invented a safe and reliable vaccination which is 100% effective against Swine Flu," says a somewhat perplexed Dr. None.

He pointed out that many discoveries in Science such as X Rays and penicillin have been made accidently and has offered to make copies of his new book Experience Life Before Death in Two Minutes & Fifty Seconds, more freely available.

"I have been in touch with the publishers, PP House and they tell me that they will have at least 100,000 copies distributed to All Good Bookstores within a week," he said.

If the Institute's findings prove to be accurate then at only $29.95, Experience Life Before Death in Two Minutes & Fifty Seconds would seem a cheap investment in Health Insurance.

Get a Life, Get the Book

Now you too can feel the the joy that only genuine Pre-Death experiences can give.

In their new book, Experience Life Before Death in Two Minutes & Fifty Seconds, celebrity Placebopaths, Dr. M. Cox and Dr. O. None reveal the results of their research at the prestigious Placebo Power Institute.

Using a new breathing technique, patented by the two doctors, patients have been able to induce genuine Pre-death or 'future-life' experiences never dreamed of before.

"If you aren't achieving Pre-Death experiences as described in our book, you aren't really alive," says Dr. None.

Get your copy of the book that will change your life at all good bookstores. Only $29.95

But wait, there's more. Many patients choose to change their name to compliment their new lives. With each copy you'll receive, ABSOLUTELY FREE, a copy of "EVERY NATIVE NAME KNOWN", a compendium of names from 'Aardvarkus' to 'Zottomica drawn from native tribes from Africa to Alaska.

Testimonial

Dear Drs. Cox and None,
I write to thank you for wonderful groundbreaking work which has totally transformed my life.
Before I bought your remarkable book, Experience Life Before Death in Two Minutes & Fifty Seconds, my life seemed empty and without meaning.
I had attended some health retreats over the years and had several 'past-life' experiences but frankly what good was it to know that I was previously Cleopatra and Joan of Arc when I had to return to my life as a bored suburban housewife with an overweight husband, two screaming kids and a mortgage.
Now I'm FREE and it's all thanks to you and your amazing technique.
Whenever I feel a little down, I inhale deeply and, on one long breath, sing the Sacred song- Does Your Chewing Gum Lose its Flavour on the Bedpost Overnight.
As I start to sing I am instantly overwhelmed by the feeling that there must be more to life than Bert and those kids, followed by waves of consciousness that I had never experienced before I tried your revolutionary technique.
In this altered state of being I am acutely aware that my life has a higher purpose and that I will soon be called to pursue my dream of a supermodelling career or perhaps be asked to be a judge on Australian Idol.
Sometimes I allow myself several of these Pre-Death, 'future-life' experiences a day, between household chores of course.
Thanks to you and your amazing book my life is now fulfilled.

Thanks again Docs,
Marge (Moonbeam) Johnson

Thanks Moonbeam,
we agree; past-life experiences are so passe. That's why we've developed our technique which gives the far more satisfying future-life, or as we call them, Pre-Death experiences.
Dr. N

Another first for Placebo Power

My colleague Dr Cox reports that he is "currently working on a technique which will allow patients to have genuine pre-death experiences, confirming my belief that during life most people travel down a long white corridor with lights, demonstrating conclusively the existence of life before death".

This is another outstanding first for the Placebo Power label and reinforces it's high standing in the natural therapy industry.

AMAZING NEW TECHNIQUE- I'M EXCITED

I just heard Nick Rheinberger on ABC Illawarra interview one 'Elvis Pavarotti" re his amazing natural therapy- special breathing exercises that not only relieve back pain but have the highly desirable side-effect of making you able to sing. In this guy's case like both Elvis (Presley, not Costello) and also Pavarotti. Incredible stuff.

Of course it only works if you place your left palm over your navel and make an affirmation of intention to get well. (I'm sorry, that bit was a given; I don't know why I even mentioned it really.)

I myself have been working on a similar technique which involves singing the complete song "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour on the Bedpost Overnight" which when done on only one breath, seems to cure lumbago, warts, psoriasis, haemorroids and a wide range of conditions of the nether-regions, amongst others.

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The ability to hold one's breath for such an extended period of time, whilst singing the sacred hit song, must be developed gradually under the supervision and tuition of a trained instructor from the Placebo Power Institute.

An unsupervised, failed attempt can lead to severe complications including irritable bowel syndrome, constipation, baldness, premature aging and an annoying itch in the centre of the back, right at the spot that's hard to reach; you know the one.

By the way, can anyone think of a catchy name? The "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavour on the Bedpost Overnight" technique is a bit of a mouthful and might hold progress back. I suppose I could just go generic and call it X-Technique, like 'X-Rays' but they're dangerous I reckon and will probably come to nothing anyway. Besides, I don't trust doctors, so maybe a more mystical name is the way to go. Suggestions to none@westnet.com.au.